Monopoly
by Whip-Owl
Summary: The homunculi play monopoly. They might not fully understand how it works.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

(Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. All 7 of the homunculi are in this, making it impossible for it to have actually taken place, but it was never meant to be serious anyway. Will I ever write something serious about FMA? We'll see. Right now I'm too lazy to write the two serious ideas I have, so just take whatever this is.)

Greed rolled. It was finally, finally his turn. Somehow or another, he and his siblings had ended up playing Monopoly. Well, they hadn't played very long yet. They'd gotten everything set up only to argue about who should go first. Eventually the decided to go in order of age. The only person against this was Wrath.

Of course, that meant Greed had been forced to sit through Pride and Lust's turns as they took up property that should be his. But now it was his turn, and he was moving ten spaces. Farther than either of them had made it. He stopped and looked up.

"I'll buy it," he announced.

Pride, Lust, Envy, and Wrath all proceeded to exchange glances.

"What? I'll buy it. How much?"

"Greed. . ." Lust started. "You can't buy jail."

"What?" Greed asked. "Do you know who I am?"

His siblings exchanged glances again, this time with varying levels of frustration and dread.

"I'm Greed! I want everything you can think of!"

" **Greed**. . ." Pride started warningly.

"Don't," Lust added.

He ignored them both. "Money and women, power and sex. Status. Glory. I demand the finer things. And I want that square!"

A silence fell over them as they stared at Greed.

"Seriously Greed? Just give me the dice!" Envy shouted.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Envy sat back, quite pleased they'd gotten a turn. Actually, everyone paying attention was glad Greed's turn was over. There was just one problem now. Sloth was next. Followed by Gluttony. This was going to take all afternoon.

Lust extended a finger and jabbed Sloth with it.

"Sloth," she said. "Sloth, time to wake up."

Usually it was Pride's job to wake up Sloth. But his idea of waking Sloth up was essentially to cut him in half. That was just too messy and time consuming to do every round.

"Ugh. I'm . . . awake?"

Sloth didn't sound to certain, but he was talking and sitting up. Lust pulled her finger back.

"Yes Sloth, it's your turn," Lust explained, sounding a bit more impatient than when she talked to Gluttony.

"Such . . . a pain," Sloth groaned.

Never the less, he rolled the dice moved his piece, and even bought property. That was the problem in the end. Gluttony may need to be told what to do, but he sincerely didn't know. Sloth knew exactly what to do, he certainly had the hang of monopoly, he was just too lazy. Too lazy to play a game. How hard could that be?

Either way, his turn was over, and Lust would have to guide Gluttony through his turn. Most of homunculi had stopped paying attention at this point. As soon as Sloth's turn had come around, Wrath had pulled out a book and started reading. Pretty soon Greed and Pride's shadow were reading over his shoulder. Envy kept paying attention, but only because it was kind of funny.

"What's that Lust?"

"That's property Gluttony. You can buy it and-"

"Can I eat it?"

"No Gluttony."

Eventually Gluttony's turn ended, and everyone refocused their attention on the board.

"Hurry up and go Wrath!" Envy shouted.

Wrath gave Envy a look that seemed pretty even, but they all knew Wrath. He was completely planning to kill Envy later. He then proceeded to take his turn, rolling the dice, buying and taking property, so fast the others barely knew it happened. They were silent for a moment, Greed trying to figure out what Wrath had actually bought.

"You know, I am the bank," Lust pointed out. She distributed the money and the property. She was the only one they could trust to do so.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

 _"_ _Hey, Greed."_

Greed had been leaning over the board. At the sound of that voice, he shot back up. He knew that voice. That was the voice of the prince who used to own this body. He grit his teeth.

 _What?_ he thought back. _And if you want control of this body, the answer is no. I'm in the middle of something important._

 _"_ _Clearly,"_ Ling thought back sarcastically. _"I just had some advice about this game. You should stop taking everything you land on."_

 _Stop taking things? Do you hear what you're saying? I'm Greed. Besides, I need to get ahead. Wrath somehow already has a monopoly, and I'm not losing to him._

That much was true. Wrath had somehow managed to get a monopoly on the browns. Not the most valuable color, in fact it was literally the least valuable color, but it was still more than the rest of them could say.

 _"_ _Yes I know. But if you spend all your money now, you won't have it for more valuable property later."_

"Don't tell me what to do prince!" Greed shouted.

He shoved some money towards Lust. Lust stared at him. So did Envy, Pride, and Wrath. It occurred to him he had just shouted that last part out loud, to a room of people who hated humans and couldn't hear Ling.

"What are you looking at?" Greed asked. "Give me my property."

He waved the money in his hand up and down. Ling just sighed.

(Anyone expect Ling to show up? I didn't either initially, but I thought it would make things more fun. And I'm pretty sure he has to talk outloud all the time to talk to Ling, but when has this story listened to the rules of the series?)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Everyone continued to go around the board. Gluttony had lost a turn ago, but that was okay. It was a bit of a relief actually. Although, he had eaten his property before wandering off. The others were forced to remake those properties, writing the prices down on post it notes. Really, they should've seen this coming and bought an entire extra board. Too late now.

Pride was seemingly calmly analyzing the board. He was a little less calm in reality. This wasn't going well. Wrath and Lust already had one monopoly. Greed had two. He didn't have any. He was close to having red, but Sloth had the last red. There was no way he was going to stoop so low as to trade with Sloth.

How was Envy still alive anyway? They didn't have any monopolies either. They just seemed insanely good at avoiding everyone else's.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Greed sat shaking the dice in his hand, a look of the utmost concentration on his face. This roll was important. He was close to the dark blue properties, the most important on the board. He had to get one. Or at the very least, he had to get the last railroad. Envy had the other three and it was always satisfying to mess them up.

"Would you just roll already?" Envy asked.

Greed grinned. _Your funeral,_ he thought.

 _"_ _I doubt it,"_ Ling thought.

Greed was going to ignore that. He dropped his dice. His eyes widened and his grin got wider. He could count. He passed the railroad, but he was about to land on a dark blue square, and the more valuable one too. He took his piece, slammed it onto the square, and turned to get his money. Only, he didn't have enough. Greed froze, his body trembling once or twice. He couldn't afford this square. He'd spent all his money on the previous squares.

Greed tipped his head up towards the ceiling and lifted his arms. "NOOO!"

* * *

Wrath rolled the dice and started moving. He already had one monopoly, and he already had a hotel on each property. This was because they were the brown properties, easy to upgrade. He dodged around Lust's green monopoly and landed on the most expensive dark blue square. Well, he still had plenty of money. He bought the square and Lust handed him the propery.

"NOOO!" Greed shouted again.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Pride sat nervously, staring at the board. He'd just landed on Greed's light blue monopoly. He turned to his pile, if you could even call it that. He didn't have enough money. He looked at his property. He'd already mortgaged all the valuable property after landing on Wrath's stupid dark blue monopoly. At least that was somewhat understandable. Those were the two most feared squares on the board unless you owned them. But light blue? And Greed?

Pride scanned the mortgage value of his remaining properties and silently doing the math. Greed apparently, already had.

"Hah! Give it up Pride! You can't pay me if you mortgaged everything you own! Now, hand over your property."

Pride glowered. Sending shadows out, he wrapped Greed up and hung him upside down by the ceiling. Then he had his vessel stomp out of the room. A few moments later his shadows left the room too, but Greed was still hanging from the ceiling. Apparently, Pride had attached him to some wires before leaving.

Greed squirmed awkwardly against the wires, but he couldn't break free. He couldn't move his arms.

"Hey. Anyone going to help?" Greed asked.

Wrath, Lust, and Envy all answered at about the same time.

"No."

"Not really."

"This is hilarious."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Lust rolled, moved her piece, and frowned. She'd landed on Wrath's property and she was a little short on funds.

"One hundred," Wrath told her.

As if she'd forget. She smiled.

"Well of course Wrath," she agreed, leaning on one hand.

She reached for the one hundred on her pile with her free hand. At the same time, with her other hand, she shot her fingers out, skewered a hundred from the bank, and brought it back. She was just handing one hundred to Wrath when he stopped.

"Lust, you just took out more from the bank," he said.

Suddenly Greed and Envy turned to them, a lot more interested. Greed leaned over and started looking at Lust's money. Oh great. Greed had been good at the math in this game so far.

"What?" Lust asked, playing innocent for a few more seconds. "I don't know what you mean."

"You took out the money you owed me," Wrath explained. No doubt he'd seen it with his ultimate eye. "You were cheating."

"She's been cheating the entire time!" Greed shouted. "She shouldn't have this much!"

"What?!" Envy exclaimed. "Lust, I thought you were the one we could trust with the bank!"

Well, she'd been caught for sure now. "You all sound so surprised," she said.

Really. Wrath and Greed were somewhat understandable. They were new, or at least this Greed was. They hadn't known her long enough. But Envy should've seen this coming.

Wrath leapt up and stabbed Lust through so fast she didn't have time to react. But she did have a regeneration advantage. She shot her fingers out, and Wrath had to get out of the way fast. He let go of the sword he'd stabbed her with as he jumped away. This didn't last very long as he just drew another.

Envy leapt up to fight too, but Greed, not one to miss and opportunity, tripped them. Actually, Greed seemed ready to fight everyone in the chaos, also trying to land a hit on Wrath and Lust. Envy jumped and grabbed the wires on the ceiling. They were probably planning to drop down on Lust, or maybe Greed. They were kind of annoyed with him now. Lust just stabbed Envy in the side though, making them let go.

The door to the room opened.

"Lust I need you to-" Father started.

He stopped as Envy fell backwards, landed on him, and slammed them both into the concrete. Envy was rather heavy after all. This got everyone else to stop and stare with at least a little fear in their eyes.

 _And this,_ Father thought a little wearily, _is why I should never get off my chair. Next time I send Pride, like usual._

* * *

The silence around the remaining players was getting awkward. Well, not for Sloth. He'd slept through this whole thing.

"Well," Greed started. "Good thing the old man was already here for Lust."

They'd decided she was disqualified for cheating, and were continuing without her. Wrath made a noncommittal noise, but Envy nodded.

"So, who gets her property?" Greed asked.

"Whoever beat her," Envy replied. "Or did you forget that already?"

"I know how to play monopoly," Greed snapped. He probably knew better than the others, thanks to his tendency to hang around humans. "But no one did defeat Lust. We found out she was cheating. It's not the same thing."

" _I_ found out she was cheating," Wrath corrected.

"You're not getting her property!" Greed yelled.

Envy was perfectly content to sit there and watch them argue, or maybe even side with Wrath, until he remembered Wrath already had a lot of squares and didn't need Lust's too. Envy would lose for sure.

"Just put them back in the middle," they said with an eyeroll.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Alright. Give me the property!" Envy shouted, landing on one of Lust's former squares.

Ever since they discovered her cheating, they'd moved the bank out of reach of all of them, and anytime they were supposed to get money they got up, walked over to get it, and showed the others the money to prove they only took what they were supposed to. It was a little inconvenient. The property on the other hand, was still sitting in the middle of the board.

With an annoyed look, Greed picked up the property. It was one of the post its, thanks to Gluttony. He smacked it on Envy's forehead where it stuck. Envy scowled. They tore it off and put it with the rest of their property.

"You're just mad I got it instead of you," Envy said.

Greed gave a short laugh. "Don't look now, but that's your department. Now, who's next?"

They all froze as they realized Sloth was next. Sloth was still sleeping. Then they all sprang into action. Wrath got up and started stabbing his shoulder, ignoring how Sloth was immune to swords in most spots.

"Hey Sloth!" Envy shouted, hitting him. "Wake up!"

"Hey Sloth! Pride says it's your turn!" Greed called out.

"Ugh. Such . . . a pain." Sloth sat up.

The other two turned to Greed. None of them had expected that to work, Greed included, but he could play it off. He grinned and shrugged.

"What can I say?" Greed said. "I'm good."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Greed sat glaring angrily at the board, and the dice. At the moment, he was stuck in jail, with Sloth. Sloth didn't seem to mind. His first attempt to get out, and Greed hadn't rolled doubles.

 _"_ _You know, it's really not such a bad thing,"_ Ling said.

"Not a bad thing?" Greed questioned, out loud again, in front of everyone. "I should be out there getting territory!"

 _"_ _There's no territory left,"_ Ling pointed out. However, he left it at that.

Envy took the dice, rolled, and got a ten. They were on free parking. Really, that hadn't helped Greed or Wrath's mood. There had been a lot of money on that. But now Envy shot right across everyone's property and onto the go to jail square.

"Ha!" Greed cried. "Welcome to the lose corner."

"Yeah, I can tell because you're there!" Envy shot back.

 _"_ _It's really not as bad as you two think."_


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The great thing about all of them being in jail, was that Wrath was going around the board and paying them.

 _"Told you so,"_ Ling bragged.

Well, Greed couldn't argue with that, but he didn't want to. He laughed quite openly. Wrath glared at him, but was quiet as he moved again. He was a little low on money after landing on Greed's property the turn before. He managed to skip over Envy's electric company property, but when he landed he sort of wished he'd hit that instead. He'd landed on an orange property.

"That's . . . mine. . ."

Everyone turned to Sloth in surprise.

"You're awake?" Greed asked.

That wasn't normal. Sloth usually was asleep unless he absolutely couldn't be. Which was often because he had to dig a tunnel, but that wasn't the point.

"Yeah," Sloth confirmed. "You move . . . too fast." Oh. So by the time he was asleep it was basically his turn again already. Everyone being in jail and having really short turns probably didn't help with that. "Such . . . a pain. Wrath . . . owes me. . ." Sloth dropped his head to look at his property.

However it could take him a while to put together how much Wrath owed him, and he might just fall asleep instead. Wrath knew how much was owed, and he knew it wasn't going to work out. He shoved his property towards Sloth and got up.

Envy laughed. Wrath stabbed them in side as he went.

Envy made a pained noise as he regenerated. "Hmph. I didn't even beat him. Pride lost to you and he just hung you from the ceiling," Envy said.

That was sort of a fair point, but Greed wasn't about to say so. "Hey! Do you know how long it took to get down from there?"

"Yeah, it was great."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

The door to the room opened. Sloth was already facing it. Greed spared a glance that way, while Envy was too caught up in their own turn to do anything. It was the other homunculi.

"What are you guys doing back here?" Greed asked.

"We decided to come and see who's going to win," Lust answered. "You're close right?"

Greed nodded. It seemed like everyone had a lot of property and no one had a lot of money. That was a sign the game was nearly over, right?

Pride suddenly made a disgusted face. To be fair, that was his standard face when he wasn't acting. " **How is he still playing?** " Pride asked, waving his hand at Envy. " **He doesn't have any property.** "

Envy glared, but knew better than to say anything.

"Water tax," Greed said, thumbing at the water property. "And he landed on free parking a while back."

Of course Envy had run low on that money pretty fast, but Greed and Sloth seemed phenomenally good at landing on the water works and giving Envy money. That wouldn't last much longer though. Envy was running low, water property or no. And now, they were landing on Sloth's dark blue monopoly.

"Oh," Sloth said. "That's . . . nice."

It didn't sound like it, from his tone. He didn't say how much Envy owed him, but he didn't need to. That was the most valuable property on the board. Envy was out. Greed waited, tapping his knee impatiently, as Sloth took his turn.

"That's my property!" Greed said when Sloth landed. "Give me three hundred."

"Such . . . a pain. . ." Sloth complained.

At least, unlike Gluttony, he could do math. He handed Greed two hundreds and two fifties. Greed decided not to comment on the odd change. He rolled and moved. He stopped and stared for a moment. So did everyone for that matter. Envy and Pride, who weren't particularly happy with Greed, both took in a collective gasp.

"Yes!" Greed shouted, lifting a fist in the air. "Finally!"

He'd landed on free parking. It had been a while since Envy had. There was a fair amount of money in it again.

Greed dropped down, scooped up the money from free parking, and tossed if over his head own head like confeti. It wasn't like anyone else was going to.

"I'm buying a hotel."

Actually, he was buying multiple hotels, one for all his property.

 _"_ _Greed, that's a bad plan."_

"Prince," Greed said with a laugh, "Do you know how long I've been waiting to buy hotels? I'm Greed. I've wanted hotels since turn one."

 _"_ _Yes but . . . you know what? Never mind. You're never going to listen to me anyway."_


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Sloth leaned back. "You're . . . turn," he told Greed.

Like Greed was going to forget. He rolled, moved . . . and landed on Sloth's dark blue monopoly. Wait. He couldn't afford that. He'd spent all his money the very last turn buying hotels. Why hadn't Sloth landed on any of his?

"Wh-what?" Greed asked, staring at the board.

"Hah! You lose too Greed!" Envy shouted, pointing at him.

Sloth read off how much Greed owed him. Envy was right. He was out. Greed could do math quite quickly, and he did not have enough for that.

 _"I told you not to buy all those hotels!"_ Ling shouted, apparently at the end of his rope. _"This is why! But oh no, if you want something you have to have it right this minuet. No foresight at all, just-"_

"Shut up prince!" Greed shouted. "How do you know so much about Monopoly anyway?"

Ling mentally shrugged. _"I'm a Prince of Xing who smuggled myself into this country. I've played Monopoly with a lot of people."_

"Oh."

Lust meanwhile, seemed to have figured out something the others had ignored. "Hang on," she said. "Did we just all lose to Sloth?"

There was a silence filling the room, despite seven people in it. Eight if you counted Ling.

"Yeah!" Gluttony finally confirmed. "Yay Sloth!" He started applauding Sloth.

"I . . . won." Sloth let a smile slowly spread across his face. It wasn't a very enthusiastic one, but still probably the most emotion any of them had seen in him.

"Can we all just pretend this never happened?" Lust asked.

"Fine with me," Greed agreed.

" **I'm not even here,** " Pride added.

Actually, his shadows did seem to be emptying from his vessel. Maybe he was off to kill some poor humans who'd stumbled upon the tunnel.

(No, I'm not quite done yet. But Sloth won. He deserves it.)


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Wrath wondered how all the homunculi had let Greed talk them into playing monopoly again. It clearly hadn't gone very well last time. Well, that might be why they all wanted to play. No one particularly liked losing to Sloth, even if he had been slightly more lively right after. Either way, Wrath was finished with his turn, and with all seven of them in the game he could probably doze off or read until his turn came around again.

Pride reached for the dice.

"Hold it!" Greed shouted.

Pride stopped and raised an eyebrow at him. Wrath was a little surprised too. You didn't just tell Pride what to do.

"The Prince has got to go first, remember?" Greed said.

Oh right. Greed was actually letting Ling take over so he could play. It made for an interesting game that went pretty differently from last time. This time, Greed was the first to lose, after spending his money on everything he landed on. He wanted to stomp out, but he had to stay so Ling could play. When she wasn't cheating, Lust was very good and beat almost all of them. But then Ling proved he did know what he was talking about and won.

Being beaten by Sloth was one thing. Being beaten by a lowly human was good enough reason for most of them to lose their minds and decide never to play this game again.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Wrath and Pride walked back into their mansion. It had been good getting time off while Mrs. Bradley was visiting her family. However, she would be back today, and that meant it was time to go back to acting.

Their normal acting suddenly got a lot more strained when Mrs. Bradley made a game suggestion.

"Um, now? Love?" Wrath asked. "Monopoly is a very long game."

"Yes I know," Mrs. Bradley agreed with a nod. "But it is such a good one, and we don't spend enough time together."

Wrath looked at Pride.

 _Wrath, do something_ , Pride silently willed.

"If it takes too long, we could always pause," Mrs. Bradley suggested.

Wrath just slumped in defeat. "Very well, if you insist."

 _Thank you for doing nothing Wrath, and leaving all the work to me. As usual_ , Pride thought.

Luckily, having the vessel of a child did come in handy for these things. The three started the game, but Pride whined about how it was too complicated, and long, and boring. Eventually Mrs. Bradley gave up. It was a relief for both homunculi.

(Well this is a little over due. Unless I come up with another random idea that was the last chapter. Thanks for reading and what not.)


End file.
